High school is the time when I really need to find myself. Just like everyone else, I had to make the decision of what I want to do for the rest of my life. Finding a major can be bothersome. Since I was in grade 11, I knew I'm going to take biology. My fascination of the ocean (the deep sea specifically) and wild animals made me sure that's what I want. I didn't know what career I could possibly have with biology back then. Therefore, I decided to try for medical school instead because I thought it has better opportunities. However, since my passion never lies in medical world, I ended up taking biology.
I've made my plans clear. I'm going to study here in Jakarta for bachelor's degree, then continue to marine biology graduate school abroad. It has been my plan since grade 11 and I sticked to it until recently. I found myself in a situation where I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. I no longer knows where my passion lies in, nor am I excited with the thought of what used to be my dreams.
Oh, life. It's now 11 pm and I'm writing from my phone while lying in bed thinking what could possibly happen tomorrow or the day after. How about next month? Next year? The future is a mystery. Full of questions and uncertainty. I used to be scared. Not knowing what's in store for me. Although looking back, scared is an understatement. I was terrified. Anxious. More than half of my problems are caused by my fear of the unpredictable. I became depressed (also caused by other factors), I didn't want to face the future.
To think about it once in a while is fine. However, to be consumed by it is the total opposite of fine. I wasn't able to enjoy every present day of my life. I remember thinking I don't want to face tomorrow because I'm frightened by it. I wish I could just disappear so I wouldn't have to face it. That's the kind of perspective that makes you lose today and won't get you anywhere. You are living in the present, make the best of it. I found a great quote which perfectly describes how it should have been.
"One must simply take the days of their lives as they happen. If you spend time worrying over what is to come, which may or may not happen, then you will only be wasting precious days you will wish in the future you could have cherished a bit longer."
My point of view didn't change overnight. It happened gradually as I became tired of seeing life in a negative way. I had so much negativity, it felt as if I was attached to a horse carriage while wearing a metal suit. I realised that the future became out of reach, the present day felt like a punishment, and yesterday was a day wasted. I have not even reached my twenties. Too young to be living such life, one that's filled with habitual skepticism.
Stop worrying. I worried too much that instead of solving my problems, I got preoccupied with the thought of worst case scenarios and doubts. I stopped worrying. I stopped worrying about the future because it hasn't happened yet. I stopped worrying about the past because there's nothing I can do to change it. I stopped worrying about what others think of me because it is out of my control. I stopped worrying about my body shape and grades. If I'm not happy with it, I should have put more efforts.
Stop overthinking. I've seen pictures that says overthinking kills your happiness, and I can confirm it based on my personal experience. Stop analysing every situation. Stop dwelling in sadness. Stop creating problems that weren't even there to begin with. Stop burdening yourself with thoughts that are making everything worse than it already has. When things got out of control take a deep breath and go for a walk. When I got overwhelmed I would just listen to music and cry myself out, then I stopped and find a distraction.
I keep reminding myself that I'm not in control of life. Everything can change. I no longer worry about what I want to do with my life. There are endless possibilities, it's not just left or right. I am 19 and I still need to walk a long way to reach my destination. At times like this I may not know which station I am supposed to be, but now I know better not to be stuck in the same place and sulk.
I'll experience something I haven't done before, learn a new language, and improve my social skills. I'll sing and dance, fall in love, and get my heart broken. I'll meet new people, some I'll cherish and some I'd want to put in a cargo ship to Congo. I'll fail exams and skip a class or two. Not knowing what's in the future is a scary place to be. But then again...
I don't need to have everything figured out.
"No one knows what your life has got in store. You may go walking on the moon. You may be rich or poor. But I know for certain if you try to reach the stars anything is possible. Your dreams are what you are."
Love,
AL
I've made my plans clear. I'm going to study here in Jakarta for bachelor's degree, then continue to marine biology graduate school abroad. It has been my plan since grade 11 and I sticked to it until recently. I found myself in a situation where I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. I no longer knows where my passion lies in, nor am I excited with the thought of what used to be my dreams.
Oh, life. It's now 11 pm and I'm writing from my phone while lying in bed thinking what could possibly happen tomorrow or the day after. How about next month? Next year? The future is a mystery. Full of questions and uncertainty. I used to be scared. Not knowing what's in store for me. Although looking back, scared is an understatement. I was terrified. Anxious. More than half of my problems are caused by my fear of the unpredictable. I became depressed (also caused by other factors), I didn't want to face the future.
To think about it once in a while is fine. However, to be consumed by it is the total opposite of fine. I wasn't able to enjoy every present day of my life. I remember thinking I don't want to face tomorrow because I'm frightened by it. I wish I could just disappear so I wouldn't have to face it. That's the kind of perspective that makes you lose today and won't get you anywhere. You are living in the present, make the best of it. I found a great quote which perfectly describes how it should have been.
"One must simply take the days of their lives as they happen. If you spend time worrying over what is to come, which may or may not happen, then you will only be wasting precious days you will wish in the future you could have cherished a bit longer."
My point of view didn't change overnight. It happened gradually as I became tired of seeing life in a negative way. I had so much negativity, it felt as if I was attached to a horse carriage while wearing a metal suit. I realised that the future became out of reach, the present day felt like a punishment, and yesterday was a day wasted. I have not even reached my twenties. Too young to be living such life, one that's filled with habitual skepticism.
Stop worrying. I worried too much that instead of solving my problems, I got preoccupied with the thought of worst case scenarios and doubts. I stopped worrying. I stopped worrying about the future because it hasn't happened yet. I stopped worrying about the past because there's nothing I can do to change it. I stopped worrying about what others think of me because it is out of my control. I stopped worrying about my body shape and grades. If I'm not happy with it, I should have put more efforts.
Stop overthinking. I've seen pictures that says overthinking kills your happiness, and I can confirm it based on my personal experience. Stop analysing every situation. Stop dwelling in sadness. Stop creating problems that weren't even there to begin with. Stop burdening yourself with thoughts that are making everything worse than it already has. When things got out of control take a deep breath and go for a walk. When I got overwhelmed I would just listen to music and cry myself out, then I stopped and find a distraction.
I keep reminding myself that I'm not in control of life. Everything can change. I no longer worry about what I want to do with my life. There are endless possibilities, it's not just left or right. I am 19 and I still need to walk a long way to reach my destination. At times like this I may not know which station I am supposed to be, but now I know better not to be stuck in the same place and sulk.
I'll experience something I haven't done before, learn a new language, and improve my social skills. I'll sing and dance, fall in love, and get my heart broken. I'll meet new people, some I'll cherish and some I'd want to put in a cargo ship to Congo. I'll fail exams and skip a class or two. Not knowing what's in the future is a scary place to be. But then again...
I don't need to have everything figured out.
"No one knows what your life has got in store. You may go walking on the moon. You may be rich or poor. But I know for certain if you try to reach the stars anything is possible. Your dreams are what you are."
Love,
AL
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